remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize