genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
