If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
