I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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