I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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