Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
