make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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