Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
