Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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