I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
