It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
