There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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