A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
