Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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