I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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