Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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