Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
