i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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