Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
