I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
