Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
MIDGETS
????
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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