Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My dick has a subreddit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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