I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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