I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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