So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
