My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
