apparently the secret to your success is patron
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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