It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
