If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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