His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
