I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
