there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
