i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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