i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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