I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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