Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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