i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
two words...techno handjob
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
