escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
