also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
