totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
