i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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