mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
