Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
