there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
