You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
