i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
