So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
