that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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