Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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