cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
