For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
