you guys were way drunker than both of me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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