sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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