I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
