Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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