dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
