I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
