you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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