glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
