He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
