Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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