so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
