Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
