i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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