He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
